7. Books, Counterfactuals, 1x1s
Serendipity
Books
We probably have close to 2,000 books (who knows, maybe more) and assuming ~50 books read a year, I’ll need ~40 years to get through all of them. That also assumes no more new books (good luck). Books get picked up sporadically based on recommendations and library book sales. Sometimes they move up the priority list, sometimes they move down. But one thing that’s been interesting is a book I picked up 5+ years ago all of a sudden becomes relevant and hard to put down whereas there may have been little interest before.
I only discovered Amor Towles last year, and as of now, he’s one of my favorite writers. In a recent interview, he shared some thoughts on how his reading group selects books to read together (lightly edited for clarity):
We almost only we read dead authors. So I would say that 90% of the authors that we read are deceased. The reality is that is that if you think of time or history, or whatever you want to call it, history is not very good at capturing all that is great. And art is not good at that. So there are many great symphonies that have been lost permanently. There are many great painters that died unknown, and their paintings are gone. There are novels that have been written that no one will ever read. So history is not good at capturing all of this great art. But history is very good at discarding all that is mediocre. So in the ton of time that that takes, it's something like 50 years. So over the course of 50 years, what will happen is a lot of stuff that was prominent, will be re-filtered and re-filtered and re-filtered. And you'll end up with a smaller group of things which have survived that test of time. And so if you think about it, right now, if you go back and look at the bestseller list for 1974, 1973, there's a lot of that that would have been highly regarded at the time, which people do not read anymore, for a variety of reasons. And there's some that has survived. And that's a very telling distinction. So, in a world where where we have, I'm turning 60, this year, you have limited amount of time, all four of us (reading group) have active lives, we want to make sure that if we're going to sit down, we're going to read carefully, we're going to meet and we're discuss it in detail, we want to make sure that the work is rewarding. And the best way to ensure that is by drawing from the past.
This made me rethink my bar for what I’m picking it up to read - is it high enough quality? Our 6YO is also churning through books and I wonder about what the bar should be for her. She’s enjoying easy fiction chapter books (and maybe that’s fine for now) but I also wonder about this idea of quality (maybe later) is something to instill in her.
Counterfactuals
In note #4 I wrote about reframing. Along the same lines, counterfactual thinking often emerges as a series of "what if" scenarios, reflecting on how things could have been different. This mental exercise can play out in two primary ways: upward counterfactuals, where we imagine better outcomes than what we experienced, and downward counterfactuals, where we consider how things could have been worse.
A compelling illustration of counterfactual thinking's impact on happiness involves the emotional responses of Olympic medalists. Studies suggest that bronze medalists often appear happier than their silver counterparts. This counterintuitive finding is thought to arise from the different counterfactuals these athletes entertain. Silver medalists may dwell on how closely they missed the gold, engaging in upward counterfactual thinking. In contrast, bronze medalists might consider how close they were to not winning a medal at all, engaging in downward counterfactual thinking.
It seems like we’re all hard-wired to think about upward counterfactuals (I missed something good) vs. gratitude for missing something bad, and I’m going to try to be more thoughtful about language around that.
1x1s
Last year we started doing once-a-year, one-child-one-parent trips but this post by Deborah Ruf, a research and education expert, shared some great ideas on structuring these trips:
During the years when your children are young, share in the planning with them. Select a city or town or region within about a three to five hour driving range. It should not be fancy or expensive. Ask your child to investigate where you are going by finding out who settled the area, how old is it, what kind of industry do they have, what form of local government, has anyone famous come from there, and so on. Then, plan the route and bring in math calculations such as figuring gas mileage, speed limits, when and where to stop for snacks (Eat at local ma-and-pa places, not chains so you get a real sense of the area). Parents talking “directions” to young children can really help them learn about orienteering skills, map reading, and clues for figuring out which way to turn.
During your time in the car, don’t use any media except the folder (seriously, use a folder, not a device) of your trip plans. Conversation will flow or not, but nothing will come between you and your child. No headsets or earphones or entertainment or distractions besides the two of you and your trip. Do this every year. By the time your children are teenagers, even if they seem to hate you at that point, they will expect and look forward to their trip alone with you. The best part? You even get to have this 24-hour experience after they’re grown up and off on their own.